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Tuesday, May 23, 2006

New Developments in Child Rearing: Baby First TV, Baby First Cigarettes, Baby First Chemical Weapon Assembly Kit!

I was just contemplating whether I should make an entry in my blog and was leaning towards going to sleep instead, when a commercial came on my Tivo'ed Monk episode for a fantastic new idea they are calling "Baby First TV". Now why didn't they think of this when my children were babies? I was forced to park my kids in front of taped episodes of the Jerry Springer Show when all that goo gooing and silly smiling at me got on my nerves, or when their incessant yowling interfered with my soaps. (A good transvestite on transvestite brawl would make them forget they were hungry in seconds flat!)

"Baby First TV" is appropriate for babies as young as six months old! Just think how much time I wasted talking to my children, when if I had only waited, I could have begun avoiding them a good 3 or 4 years earlier! Miserable little creatures, always wanting my attention, getting into things and making messes! If you ask me, they are long overdue for "Baby First Cigarettes"! I'd just like to see them try to cry for hours while coughing up a lung! Maybe then I would have had my peace and quiet!

Even better, Let's just skip "Baby First TV" and "Baby First cigarettes" and go straight to "Baby First Chemical Weapons Assembly Kit". Why wait around with long, drawn out solutions when some explosive chemicals and instructions written by the geniuses behind the "Baby First TV" concept would surely do them in in 20 minutes or less? How lucky the new mothers of today are! With the proper choice in cable company, and subscription TV, they will be able to avoid their children all together!

RH

9 comments:

FarmgirlCyn said...

Sad, but true. Many mama's do their darndest to avoid their children...whatever the cost. And we DO pay a price for all those neglected little varmints. Excellent irony.

Amby said...

Im not saying that parking youre children infront fo the television is the right thing to do but I myself have set my neice (whom stays with me during the summer) infront of the television for half an hour to take a warm bubble bath but I dont need babys first tv to do it she does just find watching an old winnie the pooh tape.

fred said...

Ok, but I really must say one caveat about "baby TV". I am a firm believer that TV should be limited and I don't allow my toddler to have any toys that make noise on their own or use a battery. Remember active toys passive child. Passive toys active child. But I must reccomend one DVD set called signing time. When I had my first child baby signs were all the rage. I checked out a stack of books about baby sign language learned ten signs and tried to teach my toddler. I had no success. And then I found the Signing Time DVD series. There is a set of five. My library had one you could check out and I watched it twice with her. From that day on we were signing like mad. My second child is now 7 months old and every morning and every night we sit on the floor together with the toddler and watch the DVD. she loves seeing the kids, the entire DVD is done with a mom character and kids, so toddlers and babies love it. Also, yes it is a great break for me to kick back and entertain two kids and relax a little, so then I won't need the older one to make the chemical weapon with her kit.

Miss. Gold said...

I love when you are ironic.
That is really... disturbing, I mean Baby TV? Sure bring them a beer so they can watch the sports show too, I'm not a mother yet but I understand your point of view and I agree with It, You are my idol you know that ;)

Sweet Kisses

Vicky said...

Hello! I just discovered this site today and I LOVE IT!!! You ladies are AWESOME. I am a stay-at-home-Mommy of 4 little girls ages 7, 5, 2 and 7 months. When I had my first daughter, I was utterly aghast at the idea of even having the TV on for more than 1/2 an hour because it may stunt my baby intellectually. As the angels smiled down on me and granted my wishes for more babies, the dreaded TV became my sanity preserver. I finally gave up with the 1/2 hour viewing, and gave them carte-blanche. You know, it hasn't hurt them one bit. The two older girls are #1 in their classes in private school. They are reading on a level that is almost 4 times above their peers. Science and math - they LOVE and they will be learning all about the stock market over the summer. My two year old is fluent in 3 languages English, Polish and French)and is already reading in all three. With four little ones, time has been a most precious commodity and the frankly, the TV has afforded me special stolen moments with each of my children. I grew up with limited TV, however, in my house, the living room TV is on all the time (kids shows, cooking, travel and National Geographic only, though), and you really have to try hard to catch all three watching something together. When I made this totally accessible to the girls - it was no fun. You will most likely find them outside in the garden looking for ways to gross Mommy out or reading books that I buy in bulk from our local library or garage sales.
When it's raining out, and I ask them to watch something so I can do something....it can be tough to keep them in front of the TV. I think the new channel is great. Better than vapid teletubbies (although they ARE cute. Tough to understand them)

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Anonymous said...

How do you keep from killing yourself? You sound like a miserable human being.

Tigue Burgess said...

We have been subscribers to Baby First TV for over a year now and we are happy with the progress our son has made with the help of this channel. Of course each parent has to make up their own mind about the amount of TV watched, but if he wants to watch tv, this is the channel I want him watching. My wife has been so passionate about it; it prompted us to start our own kids review website KidsInfoZone.com with a Baby First TV review among other things. We like the fact that there are no ads showing the hot toy of the week etc. and everything has learning involved. Also they recently dropped the price to $4.99 per month.

Anonymous said...

Some moms sit down and watch with their child, much as they would read them a book - so that when they are exchausted at the end of the day and in that final stretch before daddy comes home when everyone is bouncing off the walls, they can save their sanity. There is no right or perfect way. Thinking thus creates judement and negativity. How about teaching moderation so that when our kids grow up they are less likely to develop addictions?
Also, I think the statement that many mother's try to avoid their kids is incorrect. Most moms are doing their best and comments like that just serve to bring people down. Mothers should stand together - the job is the difficult enough. We all have different lifestyles & beliefs but in the end we're all the same.
On the other hand a little sarcasm and (attempted) humor doesn't hurt and I can see your point of view.