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Thursday, November 30, 2006

Breaking News: Jews & Muslims Spontaneously Combust Upon Hearing "Merry Christmas"

Crate & Barrel was one of the first national retailers to react to the reports today of the apparent spontaneous combustion of several Jews and at least 1 Muslim upon being greeted with "Merry Christmas" by a careless Christian.

STLtoday - Business - Story: "Crate & Barrel has Jewish, Muslim and atheist customers, said spokeswoman Betty Kahn. 'We would definitely not say Merry Christmas,' she said. 'It's all about holiday shopping, getting together with friends and family.' "

Although there have been no reports of Atheists suddenly going up in flames, there have been cases throughout history that suggest that wishing an Atheist "Merry Christmas" may cause them to melt, much like the "Wicked Witch of the West". According to a C&B spokesperson, "We wanted to be sensitive to our Atheist customers, just in case," he/she/it said. "Besides, Atheists tend to spend more money, since they can't take it with them."

Still, panic broke out in some largely non-Christian areas of larger metropolitan areas when word spread that a cashier at a fast food restaurant was wishing people Merry Christmas with wild abandon!

"Where are the authorities?" people demanded, "How can they allow this?"

Authorities finally apprehended the fast-food restaurant employee, who turned out to be a recent Canadian immigrant not proficient in American.

Luckily, a spokesperson from Crate & Barrel was on hand to set the Canadian straight. "You see", he/she/it explained, "Here in America it is considered offensive to say "Merry Christmas" to those who burn up or melt when they hear those words". "Of course we don't want to ignore Christmas altogether, because we rather like all the money we make, so we just ignore the whole Jesus thing, because we feel that the spirit of the holiday has less to do with him, and more to do with Fine Dining Accessories On Sale Now at Crate & Barrel".

6 comments:

Rootietoot said...

Priceless! I'm going to link this on my page!

Amy said...

oh for goodness sake, what do they think Christmas is all about?

La Chouette said...

Hello RH,

Don't worry, we are facing similar situations in Canada as well. In my newspaper today: one Canadian gov. agency no longer wishes Merry Christmas to its employees. From now on it's 'Happy winter Solstice' in order not to offend non-Christians. I was forbidden by my former boss to wish 'Merry Christmas' on the workplace. I had to say 'Happy holidays'.

LoriLaurieLauri said...

Oh yeah...they can't have anything to do with Christmas, Easter or Halloween in the schools, either!

Can I say, "Fuckin' bastards!"???

maryam said...

This was hilarious! I'm a Muslim and I don't at all mind being told to have a Merry Christmas... haha.. I say it right back. Why not? The "greeter" means well. Why make an issue?
Funny post, anyway.

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