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Saturday, November 13, 2010

Dear Texas

Dear Texas,

I am a recovering liberal and life long California resident. As part of my recovery, and to make amends for the damage I have caused myself, my family and my fellow citizens, I am writing this letter to warn you of a growing threat to your well-being. It has come to my attention that a fair number of Californians are packing their bags and moving to Texas.

You must regard each and every Californian as a miniature Trojan horse. Despite their innocuous appearance and apparent inability to say anything offensive to anyone, ever, they will act in ways which, if not nipped in the bud, will cause Texas to become the next California.

There is nothing wrong with the actual state of California, the rocks, trees, dirt and water are not at fault for our sorry state of affairs. In fact, they have been so kind as to arrange themselves in a fashion that is quite appealing and desirable in a place to call home. It is most decidedly the human element that is the root of our troubles.

I suggest you quarantine all Californians until you can be sure they have been cured of the particularly deadly strain of Californian Liberalism. Under no circumstances should they be allowed to move to Austin, as they will feel right at home there, and will find positive reinforcement for the most dastardly symptoms of their disease. Consider this statement by a Californian:

"I can't stand Texas, except for Austin...Austin is cool." 

I myself made this statement while living in Silicon Valley in the early 00s. My statement was met with nods of agreement, the obligatory eye-rolling whenever anybody utters the word "Texas" and the follow up "Yeah, I know what you mean".

You might want to build a fence around Austin now that I think about it.

Californians care only about appearances, not what really is. You can get them to agree to anything as long as you make it sound like a nice idea. If you tell them it will enhance the value of their real-estate, the nice, agreeable Californian will morph into a frothing-at-the-mouth, single minded warrior for the cause, and will not rest until every last corner of the state has seen their light and has "reformed".

Because we have the attention spans of gnats, and are inherently uninterested in details or reality, your new residents will never recognize their own follies or accept responsibility for their actions. In fact, they will continue to act in the same, irresponsible fashion becoming increasingly shrill and indignant when faced with the inevitable outcome.

Guard your horses, especially the high ones. It might occur to a Californian or two that the source of their woes lies in their lack of sitting on an actual high-horse, instead of the figurative ones we are accustomed to. If you start noticing the disappearance of especially tall horses, you should immediately suspect the Californians.

Never forget Californians consider Texas a "fly-over" if not even one of the "square states" (geography is not one of our strong points). When they arrive, they will seem nice enough, but will soon get busy "making Texas more like California". Don't believe me? Ask Nevada, the one state in our sorry union that is in worse condition than California but just voted to send the same lying, two-faced loser, Harry Reid back to Washington. Nevada is full of Californians.

Here is what I suggest: Make an investment in the future of Texas and raise enough money to bribe Nevada into temporarily changing their name to Texas. (Harry Reid will be your point-man on this project). Once Harry has told the media that Nevada is really Texas, they will begin to spread the word, and with the sheer number of former Californians living in Nevada, anybody with the audacity to suggest that Nevada is not Texas will be immediately branded a radical extremist.

Finally, ask Arizona to alter their road signs to direct fleeing Californians to the new "Texas" - I am sure they will be sympathetic and do you this favor.

Don't worry about Las Vegas giving it away, we know from the movies that there is a "Paris, Texas" so Las Vegas, Texas is really not that much of a stretch.

I wish you the best of luck, it is not going to be easy.



1 comment:

Donkey Lovin' Woman said...

OMG, I've found my soul mate!!! Unfortunately, I'm a heterosexual woman. Still, I'm thinking of asking you to marry me.

I am a native-born Texan who lived in Southern California for more than 20 years, until I couldn't stand the misery anymore. I also am recovering from the experience of being temporarily converted into a Californian as described.

I atoned for my California sins by spending the first 3 years back in Texas in a rural, cowboy community and heartily embracing the "real" Texas lifestyle. Unfortunately, circumstances necessitated my moving outside of Austin, which reminds me SO much of California that I find living here nearly intolerable.

However, your letter caused me such fright that I may actually organize the Austin-Fence-Out-The-Californians Project myself!

Thank you for making me hoot and holler in true Texan style. :-)