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Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Modern Day Correspondence For Housewives

MEDIA ADVISORY - DC: CAIR, UC Berkeley to Release First Annual Islamophobia Report Groundbreaking report lists ‘worst’ Islamophobes, ‘best’ of those pushing back against growing anti-Muslim sentiment 

Dear UC Berkeley,

Please add me to your list of Islamophobes. Also, I would like to receive a copy of your report, so that I may contact my fellow Islamophobes tout de suite and organize a support group of sorts.

Any ideas on what to serve my guests at my new support group are also welcome. I am thinking, Tea.

Thank You,



Dear Dr. Kevorkian,

I realize you are dead, but I am hoping you can answer a question for me anyway. A new form of suicide has come to my attention, and I was wondering whether you had an opinion as to this method of killing one's self. This new form of suicide is "Banging one's head against a coffee table 5 or 6 times until completely dead." There seems to be some attempt to break one's own ribs first, and perhaps due to utter frustration at this activity's lack of ushering in the desired state of dead, one quickly seeks out the family coffee table.

Damaged Coffee Table - Suicide Method

It seems to me that this will result in needless destruction of perfectly good coffee tables. Furthermore, suicidals whose taste in home decor ran towards the modern, may wind up smashing their heads into glass coffee tables which could shatter, produce shards of sharp glass and wind up causing the recently deceased to leave a rather unsightly bloody mess for their friends and relatives to clean up. This may cause suicide to become unpopular because many people do not like cleaning up so much blood.

Don't you think the method "Banging one's head against a coffee table until completely dead - after giving one's rib cage a good thrashing" should be removed from the "Suicide for dummies" handbook? I am asking your opinion on this, because many people will respect your opinion, post mortem or not.

Thank you,


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